Random Words Of Wisdom To Live By…
- If a piece of seaweed introduces himself as ‘Bob’, you’ve had too much to drink, period…
- Don’t ever imitate the call of a male Howler monkey when he’s above you in a tree full of large mangos…
- Remember, no matter how good the margaritas are, you still have to put the top on the blender before turning it on…
- If you receive a small canister full of wolf dung (poop) from a friend doing research on the Arctic Tundra, don’t let your domesticated animals (dogs or cats) get wind of it or you may never see them again… (Thank you *D2!) *Please see my About page for details regarding *The Sisters ?
- Be prompt in your pick-up at the post office if you order a hive of bees from Italy, lest the U.S. Postal Service can get a bit testy…
- Even if the wood is a bit wet, never, never add a ‘small amount’ of gasoline to your bonfire…
- When using a paper cutter with a blade of 16-inches or more, always be aware of the location of your hair braid …
- Don’t use a slingshot to deter a naughty raccoon in a tree at midnight if your neighbor’s bedroom windows are within 200 feet…
- An incredibly large Bobcat with an extremely long tail is most certainly a Mountain Lion…
- When feeding an African Zebra, realize they can elevate their height by standing on their hinds…
- On that note, zebras have very serious choppers (teeth!) and can do quite a bit of damage to the hand that feeds them…
- Bears can smell a salami stick, even if you ‘hide it’ under your pillow…
- Nurse sharks do not have any appreciation or tolerance for having their tail pulled…
- Cows can kick to the side…
- If you have the privilege of being close to a Humpback whale when it breaches out of the water, you too can end up with a welt the size of a walnut on your forehead from getting hit by a rogue barnacle…
- When attempting to photograph Rhesus Macaque monkeys in the wild, always keep a watchful eye on the dominant male of the harem…
- Pigs will bite if you accidentally put your finger up their nose…
- Never shoo-away a skunk that has it’s butt facing you, trust me…
- On that note, NO, tomato juice does not fully cut skunk oil, no matter how many gallons you may bathe in…
- Note that when an Emus’ head and neck turn electric blue, they’re sexually aroused…
- If you do not speak the language in the tropical foreign country you are visiting, when you inquire as to why no one is swimming and a local responds with a phrase something like “gat-swerks”, they are referring to Tiger Sharks….
- When planting rice with little kids in an Indonesian rice field, just know that the large, super shiny black snake that swims through the rice patty your bare-legs are submerged in, is most likely a Cobra…
- Do not under any circumstances attempt to use crazy glue to fix a rip in your cat’s ear after he’s been in a vicious fight, lest you may end up in the emergency room for assistance in removing your fingers from your cat’s ear… (Please note the unfortunate notch on my cat’s left ear [right side of the photo]. Ooops, a less-than-precise glue job. Bummer!) 🙂
- Never touch any ‘sensitive areas’ of your body after cutting up a Habanero pepper with your bare hands…
- Commercial Turkeys (yes, the kind you feast on at Thanksgiving,) are sexually aroused by human toes. So sandals are a particularly poor choice of footwear when visiting a turkey farm…
- It’s always best to climb Giotto’s Tower (Campanile) in Florence, Italy before noon, because yes there really are 414-steps and one may get dizzy or even the hiccups if attempting after a bit of afternoon Chianti…
- If something moves within your plate of raw oysters, don’t eat ANY of them…
- A 2000 lbs. (1000+ kg) water buffalo can perform a perfect spider-jump (all-4-off-the-floor!) right in front of a fast moving, yet very small motorcycle…
- On that note, no, a batting helmet should never be used in place of a motorcycle helmet, though it may help preserve one of your ears should you crash….
- Giraffes like to lick the salt from behind your ears if given the opportunity…
- It truly is best not to tell Mom about your most recent brush with death while chatting on the phone from a 3rd world country…
- Never pick up a dead Diamondback Rattlesnake, even if you’ve cut it’s head off… Yuck, what a mess…
- Don’t buy a taco from a street vender in bum-f@#k-nowhere…
- Apparently it’s not considered ‘polite’ to ask an Indonesian military police officer to relocate the muzzle of his automatic machine gun away from your face… Who would have guessed…?!
- You cannot reason with a scorpion, ever…!
- To be clear, if bitten by a rat while sleeping on a beach somewhere in Lomok, Indonesia, rabies only has a 21-day incubation period…
- Camels and lamas can (and will!) spit when annoyed. I think that says it all…
- If while wandering on a small island somewhere off the coast of Indonesia, you should come across large reptilian footprints with approx. 3 – 4 ft. (1m+) between them and a long tail-drag line behind it, know you are sharing territory with a large (and most likely hungry) Komodo Dragon!
- An 8 – 10 foot (2 m+) Bull Shark circling you while you’re SCUBA diving isn’t curious, it’s hunting. Trying to keep track of all six of them at once can prove to be just plain terrifying…
- Yep, glass is a ‘solid liquid…’
- Goats, even the cute little Pigmy goats, know exactly where the ‘charlie-horse’ is located on your upper leg, and they will aim for it with their horns every time…
- Hanging out under a large tree is not a good camping spot during a lightning storm…
- Don’t watch an eclipse with your naked eye just because it happens to be a cloudy day…!
- A wood shake roof is very slippery when wet…
- Carelessly sitting on a rock along the California coast, watching a romantic sunset can leave you stranded until the next low tide 12-hours away…
- Yes, your typical, sweet little gray squirrel will aggressively climb your leg and demand gummy-bears if taunted…
- Elephant seals move much more quickly than one might suspect…
- If the sign at the zoo says ‘Do Not Feed. Do Not Tease’, don’t offer the monkey a cookie and then quickly eat it, laughing at their apparent stupidity, lest you spend the rest of the day with monkey poop in your hair… (No seriously, they’ve got one-hell-of-an arm…!)
- A 10-foot deer fence protecting your precious garden can just as easily lock a deer inside if the gate is left open… OOOPS! 😉
- Some trees are very clear that they do not wish to be climbed upon…
- Yes, there is such a thing as a Jumping Spider…!
- Don’t ever rely upon your parking brake to stop you if your floor break goes out while driving a 1956 VW bug…
- Never stand idly under a ripe persimmon tree… (That goes for avocados, mangos and papayas as well…)
- That pretty silver thumb-ring you wore while SCUBA diving, looks just like a small fish to a large Barracuda…
- Jellyfish really don’t want to bond with you… swear!
- Never attempt to break up a cat fight while naked, ever…!
- On that note, don’t attempt to cook bacon while naked either…
- Beware, if you ever have the opportunity to hear the gloriously melodious song of the Humpback whale while SCUBA diving, it may bring tears of joy to your eyes, thus making quite a mess of your face mask…
- No matter how drunk you are, dry dog food should never be mistaken for a bowl of peanuts. Yuck…!
- Seriously, if he walks like a jerk, and he talks like a jerk, he probably isn’t a duck, he’s a dick… Come on now ladies, wake up!
- Yep, the deepest ocean valley on the planet is deeper than Mt. Everest is high (at 8,850 m or 29,035 ft). Look up between 13° and 21°N latitude and 144° and 146°E. The Mariana Trench is 11,033 m or 36,201 ft deep!
- Once you’ve launched off a ski jump, it can be very difficult to change direction mid-air in an effort to avoid the large tree right in front of you…
- On that note, if you’ve had a rather disastrous sports accident within the realm of the civil world, you may wish to ask yourself: ‘What would John Wayne do in this situation?’ (The next steps may add to the adventure or the experience…!) (Thanks *Jim G. Sr!)
Special Pearls For The Bride & Groom:
- Always remember to eat a meal before your wedding. That way you remain vertical throughout the ceremony…
- Let your face relax between photos or you’re going to wind up looking like the bastard child of a Charlie McCarthy doll…
- Pee right before the ceremony! Bride, have someone assist or you’ll certainly flush the train of your dress and end up with a less than perfect waltz down the isle my dear… (Keep track of your pretty lace veil as well!)
- Don’t waste money on the ceremony or the reception, save it and put a down payment on a house instead…! Honestly, in reality, it’s just a fantastically expensive party that you’ll be entirely too exhausted to truly enjoy… Elope!
