Dear Matilda

Dear Matilda


Dear Matilda,

We have an issue with a careless neighbor and her little gray dog. Every morning this woman allows her dog to take a poop on the pathway to our front door. And sure enough, every morning my kids find it on their way out the door for school and proceed to spread it all over the front pathway…

On the few occasions when I have been up early enough to catch this jerk, she just smiles and walks away, leaving a steamy pile of poop gracing our entryway. We love dogs and always pick up after our own animals. There is also a leash law in our town that this lady seems to have decided to ignore. I’m not sure where this person lives, and I don’t want to start unnecessary conflict, but I’m sick of this crap. Any advice…?





Dear Pooped,

Growing up on a dairy farm, oh do I understand how poop can travel once it attaches itself to the sole of an unsuspecting shoe… I don’t blame you for being a bit upset by your neighbor’s lack of civility. Not only is this a public health issue, but also crappy behavior for one to impose upon their kindly neighbors.

My very first thought would be to wait in the shadows for the little pooper. Then, once the unwanted steamy delivery has been made, simply pick it up with a gloved hand and hurl it at the duo, channeling your very best Sandy Koufax pitching arm for precision. Oh, you know how I enjoy injecting my own creative disorder into a situation such as this, but let’s set that aside for a moment and attempt to find a basic level of social decorum in all this, shall we…?

With an on-leash law in place, it would seem your local police might easily resolve this little problem for you. Simply contact them and let them know about your ‘serial pooper’, provide them with a description of both violators, along with the approx. time of their unwelcome daily delivery. Perhaps even offer to provide video documentation if necessary, just a thought. My guess is a single citation ($$$) may convince this neighborhood nuisance to clean up her act.

Now, back to my true love for a more deviant, less civil response to your problem, in the unfortunate event your naughty neighbor doesn’t step into line in a most timely manner. Here are a few more approaches listed from benign to my more fun, creative thoughts on the matter. Enjoy! 🙂

Option #1:

Try appealing to the keen sense of the dog rather than the clueless owner. Simply purchase an industrial spray bottle from your local hardware, then mix up an olfactory nightmare of liquid deer and rabbit repellent to assist you in dissuading this poopin’ pooch from wanting to enter our yard. Spray the liquid repellent heavily across the entire entry to your property. Voilà! My guess is the little dog wouldn’t cross the invisible smelly line, and neither will any other unwanted 4-legged guest for quite some time!

I like taking a non-confrontational approach whenever possible. However, upon resolution, one should always enjoy feeling vindicated. What’s fun about the deer/rabbit repellent is while the dog is painfully aware of your silent rebellion, their owner is none the wiser!

A Note of Necessary Caution: Most liquid animal repellent contains oils and fermented urine and can do quite a number on a your personal appeal with both human and pets if you have the misfortune to be down wind while spraying. So, in classic form, here are my very best accessorizing suggestions: Pull on a fabulous pair of elbow length rubber gloves, tie back your tresses, and slip into a pair of over-sized Sophia Loren-style sunglasses prior to beginning your smelly task. Otherwise, you’ll find your cats and dogs, as well as your neighbors won’t come anywhere near you for a while…
Trust me, sadly this cautionary note comes from first-hand experience. Yuck, what a stinky mess! 😉

Option #2:

Stop by your local hardware store and rent the largest, most powerful pressure washer you can find. Then, awaken nice and early, strategically placing yourself in the shadows, ready to respond with the mighty wand in hand. Upon the arrival of the intruder, simply let it rip and blow the small creature off your property with a colossal blast, accidentally (on purpose!) soaking the irreverent crappy neighbor at the same time.

After working through all your pent-up issues surrounding this irritating matter, simply release the pressure washer wand, and look up with your most innocent, surprised look and say,

“Oh my goodness, I had no idea you or your little dog would be trespassing on my property while I was removing all this disgusting dog poop…”

Then, just for fun, turn away and over your shoulder mention that you plan to be out in your yard again tomorrow morning. My guess, after blowing the dog off your property a few times, and drenching the owner in the process, they may find another route for their morning walk. (Tee-hee-hee!)

Best of luck my dear and don’t forget to keep a good sense of humor through all this, it’s going to be blast…!  😉


Enjoy More Dear Matilda Here!

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial