Dear Matilda

Dear Matilda

Oh Deer!

Dear Matilda,

We recently installed an 8ft. deer fence around our back yard with the hopes of growing a beautiful picking garden that would not become a gourmet salad bar for our lovely local deer population. Unfortunately, the gate was left open, and now I have two female deer that refuse to leave my gated yard.

I don’t want to hurt them, I just want them gone, immediately if not sooner. Any advice…?



Oh My Deer,

My very first thought was a cross bow, though you kindly stated your lack of interest in venison sausages. (Rats!) So, I’ll share with you a little trick I learned on the family dairy farm when the cows would raid Mum’s garden.

First, remove your gold Lamé heels and strap on a good pair of Wellies. Then grab a large metal ladle and stew pot, and prop the gate open. Maneuver yourself so the hungry lassies are between you and the open gate, then invoke ‘Helga’ the Viking warrioress from within your soul, and begin pounding that ladle on the pot like a fierce battle drum. For a bit of flair, add a few stomps similar to Irish clogging, along with a bit of yipping and yowls, all the while moving the uninvited guests towards the open gate.

Similar to your neighbors, the deer will quickly surmise you are not mentally balanced and flee…

Best of luck. Cheers!


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